When You Have It All And Still Have Nothing

Life has a funny way of deflating your spirit sometimes as you traverse what often seems like roughest of terrain in pursuit of our own personal happiness. Lately, I’ve felt pretty deflated by my own personal journey to seek that which truly makes me happy. At this moment in my life I feel almost as if I am complete in many ways but yet at the same time there lurks a large void in my life blatantly needing filling. Normally being a pretty focused person and well accomplished I find myself at a point right now questioning what is the true source of my void. My most deep thoughts seem to suggest what I am lacking in my life right now is PURPOSE. I am well accomplished and don’t really need any additional plaques, awards, or pats on the back to justify my talent/skills so it is not a matter of being successful in that sense. For the most part I feel somewhat bored. There is nothing in particular that is driving me forward with a deep passion externally in my life right now. 99% of my motivation comes from within and is rooted in my personal will to be the best I can be for me. I have effectively removed or kept at bay many of the people that have grown to love me or care about me deeply for various reasons. Some good ones – others questionable but needless to say I haven’t done myself any favors in avoiding nights alone. At one point in my life I was a father (filling in for someone else) and a husband-to-be but I even reduced that down to being single and childless which most would say isn’t quite a bad thing for 25 year-old engineer. The only thing about something like that is that I feel a deep passion towards living my life for a child and the woman I love. Neither of which I have right now – but that’s by choice as well. I may be capturing a few peoples attention with the words I type here but my intention is really only to speak my mind and listen to myself. It’s interesting some of the responses I get from my writings…. Some by 16 year-olds telling me I’m stupid and then others by people touched by my words seeking perspective or offering prayers. I think mostly, these words are for me and a way of simply expressing myself. Who knows what I will type next, but this is what comes out when you feel like you have it all and still nothing at all…..

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